“You don’t know what I’m capable of doing, do you? I can come over and smash all your house window glasses and you’ll regret ever meeting me.”
As he grab my house keys from me. “I’m gonna burn everything that belongs to you. And if you dare take these keys from me I’ll cut everything on you right now and see what and how you are going to walk with at home.”
And he went on talking about all the scary stuff which I cannot fathom and those things I want to take to my grave with.
But you know what? Fuck it, really! I ain’t taking shxt to my grave. Im going to speak (write) it down cause I don’t want to be silenced by anybody. Especially not by any low life matha-ha-ha.
Once he had said to me “I swear if you dare walk out of this relationship, one person in going to end up dead.” And to think of it, it can’t be him of course. Not sick, DEAD. Then he went on, “if you also dare call the police on me I promise you that I might just stay there one night. You don’t know the people I know and you don’t know what I’m capable of.”
So me, scaredy me, just sat there, nursing my hurt cheek and pampering my cheek-bone as i silently thank God for not one tooth lost. I continue to cry, asking myself what I should do about what just happened. Crying at the thought that i have just become a statistic of the abusive incidents that were never recorded because of “fear.” Regretting why I didn’t just live all of this at “halo”.
Should I give this bloody neggro a chance? Should I give him my word that I am willing to try again? Should walk away FOREVER this time? But I couldn’t do that. Why? Because “I loved him.”
Love? I re-called. But what about me? Don’t I deserve the same kind of love? I do, he just finished telling me about how much he loves me, in the same minute he high fived my face and pushing me around.💔
Yet again I said fuck it. Because his actions do not correspond with his words. So fuck love. For the first time since the release of the song “Men Are Trash” I finally listened to the lyrics than just enjoying the beat then I started singing along. Because yoh, they really are rubbish.
Call me the bitter ex but whatever, there’s nothing good I can say about what was.
He is the reason I started to think of men as the same people. The same bad creatures turning us into damaged women. That’s what they say right!? “I love you. I’ll never hurt You. I promise You it won’t ever happen” while in the same breath throwing threats around about what will happen if we ever get tired of their trashiness and decide to leave.
Then dumb me would have said, “I believe you.” But Im not dumb after all. Yep, he’s called me a dumb bitch before, on some occasions. See! Trashiness.
I’ve walked away. Im never looking back. I’m glad that I’ll never cry over some crazy shxt that he’s done. Over it.
Once I’ve cried over the fact that I do not want to see him shower another girl with his love. But jokes on me hey, I should have saved the tears for something better.
How I use to beat myself up about how I don’t want to lose the love of my life. So silly and so dumb and so blind in love.
Now all I’m left with is this void and regret in my life of being disrespected by a man who at the same time claimed to have loved me.
What’s left in my heart is hatred, disappointment, anger and fear of ever loving.
Been holding this in for a long time. I just had to.
This isn’t some “poetic” piece. Reality!