Hurt to the core.

Guys, I’m so so hurt. When I see people in love I just want to laugh because all I see is “blind” people. When I see happy pictures I’m so tempted to comment “lol🙄”. When someone tells me of their love story I’m just like, “yeah, whatever”. Because I had a similar feeling and it was really all just trash. That’s why.

I just need to get over this. Because yoh, ha ah. 😣💔

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2018 in a blog post!

I’ve been typing and backspacing the first statement of this post because I don’t know what fits to come first.

My break downs and lows or my build up and highs!? 😞

Once, this year began like all others did. Yaay, Happy New Year, I cheered happily. May this year be filled with lots of love, happiness, over flowing joy and little or no shed tears. I repeated to myself on the very first days of the year. Of course we all want to be happy and all the good stuff.

I’ve never had strict new year resolution plans and so everything went by as it came. For someone that does not like surprises, I wasn’t even surprised by what actually happened during the course of the year. Almost like I saw it all coming.

RELATIONSHIP

Guuurl, have you ever been cheated on by a niqqa with another niqqa!? 🙄

ACADEMICS

Flames ollova.

BOOKS & MORE BOOKS

I started the year with so much determination about this. I was determined that I’ll have my books done and dusted before midyear. But this year didn’t have that in its budget for me so I was setback by a number of things. Personally I was going through so much that my mind couldn’t just concentrate on something and finish it. So for the most time I wrote about my emotions without even knowing. The plan had been to end the year with three books with a few people I’ve been working with. But along the way things changed and we went separate ways. Things didn’t end well but they had to happen.

Fast forward, getting to the end of the year, I got my resources and material together and finally I got my books done. No, not three but two. And for that I’m still proud of what I’ve done on my own.

Let All Out

As much as I may want to hide my earnest emos and display them in that sort of poetic manner, I just can’t. Some are intense and can’t easily be hidden.

So I write about them in truth, although it has not been the intention.

Worst Birthday!

If you haven’t read “Tony” I think you should go back and do so.

It was the 20th of April 2018. It was my birthday and I was turning 20. Notice that I turned 20 on the 20th. And in the history of birthdays, it is called A Crown Birthday. I had planned it to be an epic one with a cute crown, beautiful dress and what not, go out with my friends and Tony at a nice place, have dinner and what not. I trusted this guy so much that I gave him the MONEY to organise everything and what not.

As the days drew near I was told that some of his friends will join us and I was excited like, “yaayyy, the more the merrier, right!?” I didn’t even ask about how far the preparations were going cause I was told things will be taken care of. The day before the main day arrived, I was told that some of his friends have backed out and also the venue has changed.

Also, I’ve been told to cancel the invites I’ve sent to my friends. 💔 So it was going to be me, him and his friends.

We went to our new venue (I won’t tell where it was because I’m still disappointed up to this day😭)

In the midst of the vibing and partying a few of his friends came to join us. One of his friends said, “happy birthday” and me as the birthday girl replied “thank you” with a broad smile on my face. But what I got in return were blank replies and the moment just got awkward. One of the girls also responded, “thank you for the wishes”. I was confused. More people kept approaching and directing their wishes to this girl and she kept saying “thank you”. Like, What In The Actual Fuck!? It was HER birthday after all.

Suddenly things started to make sense. Why I was told to cancel with my friends, why the venue changed and all of it.

The gathering wasn’t even mine. And Tony knew it and kept it from me. I wanted to cry and I did.

The disappointment, the pain. His reasons as to why the plans suddenly changed were just, uuurgh, I don’t even want to go there. 😩

Just so you know, Tony and this girl are in the same class, I’ve seen them spend a lot of time together, he says the girl is the one that wants/wanted him but he doesn’t, blah blah blah and blah and rumour has it that they are having a thing now. Not that I care much, but come on! 💔

Wilhelmina, you’ll be just fine, yeah!?

Tony

Let’s name this guy, Tony.

For those that know me, you’d know who I’m talking about by the end of the post. But please let’s pretend you don’t. 🙄

Tony and I went out (dated, whatever) for like a year. Coming to the end of our bitter-sweet year, things started to fall apart. Both of us were sort of tired of keeping it up so we somehow just let it collapse. I didn’t care, and neither did he, I guess, idk.

I wanted out, but even with the crumble of the palace, Tony still didn’t want me to go. Reasons to keep me weren’t even so valid. Tony was going on about “trying again” “Let’s rebuild” “Let’s love each other right” “blah blah blah and blah”. A lot has already happened and I wasn’t just gonna forgive, forget and “rebuild” like I didn’t know what caused the whole thing to fall.

I was tired, I was drained, I was unhappy and I was everything else bad. I just wanted out. It was not the kind of place I wanted to be in. If he was feeling the same then I didn’t understand why he would even ask me to “try again”.

So I told Tony about how I’ve been feeling and he sort of lost it. Hitting me with, “I fucken love you. How do you just decide to let me go? How will I survive?” No, I’m not heartless, but I sort of laughed. Because in the real world, you can’t say you can’t live without someone. I’m not Jesus. So that was pretty much nonsense to me.

The reasons kept coming in, sometimes sounding even harsher. Some accompanied with threats, both verbal and physical abuse and clear mere promises. Tell you what, I knew why Tony wanted me to stay, although he knew that love wasn’t even there. But I wasn’t gonna allow myself to be made a continuous punching bag and an emotional… (what’s the word!?) of some grown ass baby. It was just too much to deal with.

During the period of letting go, terrible things have been said to me. Obviously I’ve said some back, cause I won’t just let myself be disrespected without retaliating. But this ain’t about the things I have said or have done. 🙁

Fast forward, the day everything finally falls apart came and it was the worst day of my entire existence. You’d think we never even loved each other, you’d think we never even promised each other to be together forever. 😂 I’m laughing but deep down shxt is hurting so bad. 💔

No I don’t miss Tony, I won’t wish him whatever (good/bad) luck either. Cause idk what he truly deserves.

Till next time. 👋🏾

Very Sad!

Have you noticed the sadness in my recent posts!? Well, if you haven’t then you’re gonna notice this one. 😩

I am very very sad. A bit bitter too but I haven’t let it out on other people. Maybe a little depressed, hurting to the core, broken and very much sad. Oh, I didn’t notice I listed very sad twice. 💔

I have been sad for quite some time. I thought I had gotten over it but nooo. Every now and then the memories keep coming back, cutting deeper and deeper than before causing me a much painful pain.

I’ve been told to not let it get to me but shxt is already within me. I’ve been told to do other things than to think in an attempt to get over it. I’m trying. I love and prefer to write but not even that has been a remedy. Also the only things I’ve been thinking about when I pick a pen are those dark emotions I should be avoiding.

Sometimes I’d be going about my day like any other person and I’ll just lose focus. I don’t like confining in other people much because I feel that’s a lot of pressure on someone. Also, I’m afraid of judgement and critism. I’m afraid of being asked, “what were you even thinking”. I mean I know I was stupid but now isn’t the time to rub it in my face. 😭

So even now, I’ll just post this on here and hope all of this goes away with time. Time heals right!? 😒

Very Sad!

Have you noticed the sadness in my recent posts!? Well, if you haven’t then you’re gonna notice this one. 😩

I am very very sad. A bit bitter too but I haven’t let it out on other people. Maybe a little depressed, hurting to the core, broken and very much sad. Oh, I didn’t notice I listed very sad twice. 💔

I have been sad for quite some time. I thought I had gotten over it but nooo. Every now and then the memories keep coming back, cutting deeper and deeper than before causing me a much painful pain.

I’ve been told to not let it get to me but shxt is already within me. I’ve been told to do other things than to think in an attempt to get over it. I’m trying. I love and prefer to write but not even that has been a remedy. Also the only things I’ve been thinking about when I pick a pen are those dark emotions I should be avoiding.

Sometimes I’d be going about my day like any other person and I’ll just lose focus. I don’t like confining in other people much because I feel that’s a lot of pressure on someone. Also, I’m afraid of judgement and critism. I’m afraid of being asked, “what were you even thinking”. I mean I know I was stupid but now isn’t the time to rub it in my face. 😭

So even now, I’ll just post this on here and hope all of this goes away with time. Time heals right!? 😒

Welcome! 💕

Hi, welcome back to my… (almost said welcome back to my YouTube channel, which I don’t have.., yet😂) So without further ado, (see YouTube language) I should really put up my channel, or not. 😂

Anyways, Welcome back to my blog. If you haven’t followed me yet, do so. And give my posts a like. I’ll appreciate it very much!

Enjoy! 🤗💕