Tony

Let’s name this guy, Tony.

For those that know me, you’d know who I’m talking about by the end of the post. But please let’s pretend you don’t. 🙄

Tony and I went out (dated, whatever) for like a year. Coming to the end of our bitter-sweet year, things started to fall apart. Both of us were sort of tired of keeping it up so we somehow just let it collapse. I didn’t care, and neither did he, I guess, idk.

I wanted out, but even with the crumble of the palace, Tony still didn’t want me to go. Reasons to keep me weren’t even so valid. Tony was going on about “trying again” “Let’s rebuild” “Let’s love each other right” “blah blah blah and blah”. A lot has already happened and I wasn’t just gonna forgive, forget and “rebuild” like I didn’t know what caused the whole thing to fall.

I was tired, I was drained, I was unhappy and I was everything else bad. I just wanted out. It was not the kind of place I wanted to be in. If he was feeling the same then I didn’t understand why he would even ask me to “try again”.

So I told Tony about how I’ve been feeling and he sort of lost it. Hitting me with, “I fucken love you. How do you just decide to let me go? How will I survive?” No, I’m not heartless, but I sort of laughed. Because in the real world, you can’t say you can’t live without someone. I’m not Jesus. So that was pretty much nonsense to me.

The reasons kept coming in, sometimes sounding even harsher. Some accompanied with threats, both verbal and physical abuse and clear mere promises. Tell you what, I knew why Tony wanted me to stay, although he knew that love wasn’t even there. But I wasn’t gonna allow myself to be made a continuous punching bag and an emotional… (what’s the word!?) of some grown ass baby. It was just too much to deal with.

During the period of letting go, terrible things have been said to me. Obviously I’ve said some back, cause I won’t just let myself be disrespected without retaliating. But this ain’t about the things I have said or have done. 🙁

Fast forward, the day everything finally falls apart came and it was the worst day of my entire existence. You’d think we never even loved each other, you’d think we never even promised each other to be together forever. 😂 I’m laughing but deep down shxt is hurting so bad. 💔

No I don’t miss Tony, I won’t wish him whatever (good/bad) luck either. Cause idk what he truly deserves.

Till next time. 👋🏾

Advertisements

Very Sad!

Have you noticed the sadness in my recent posts!? Well, if you haven’t then you’re gonna notice this one. 😩

I am very very sad. A bit bitter too but I haven’t let it out on other people. Maybe a little depressed, hurting to the core, broken and very much sad. Oh, I didn’t notice I listed very sad twice. 💔

I have been sad for quite some time. I thought I had gotten over it but nooo. Every now and then the memories keep coming back, cutting deeper and deeper than before causing me a much painful pain.

I’ve been told to not let it get to me but shxt is already within me. I’ve been told to do other things than to think in an attempt to get over it. I’m trying. I love and prefer to write but not even that has been a remedy. Also the only things I’ve been thinking about when I pick a pen are those dark emotions I should be avoiding.

Sometimes I’d be going about my day like any other person and I’ll just lose focus. I don’t like confining in other people much because I feel that’s a lot of pressure on someone. Also, I’m afraid of judgement and critism. I’m afraid of being asked, “what were you even thinking”. I mean I know I was stupid but now isn’t the time to rub it in my face. 😭

So even now, I’ll just post this on here and hope all of this goes away with time. Time heals right!? 😒

Very Sad!

Have you noticed the sadness in my recent posts!? Well, if you haven’t then you’re gonna notice this one. 😩

I am very very sad. A bit bitter too but I haven’t let it out on other people. Maybe a little depressed, hurting to the core, broken and very much sad. Oh, I didn’t notice I listed very sad twice. 💔

I have been sad for quite some time. I thought I had gotten over it but nooo. Every now and then the memories keep coming back, cutting deeper and deeper than before causing me a much painful pain.

I’ve been told to not let it get to me but shxt is already within me. I’ve been told to do other things than to think in an attempt to get over it. I’m trying. I love and prefer to write but not even that has been a remedy. Also the only things I’ve been thinking about when I pick a pen are those dark emotions I should be avoiding.

Sometimes I’d be going about my day like any other person and I’ll just lose focus. I don’t like confining in other people much because I feel that’s a lot of pressure on someone. Also, I’m afraid of judgement and critism. I’m afraid of being asked, “what were you even thinking”. I mean I know I was stupid but now isn’t the time to rub it in my face. 😭

So even now, I’ll just post this on here and hope all of this goes away with time. Time heals right!? 😒

Welcome! 💕

Hi, welcome back to my… (almost said welcome back to my YouTube channel, which I don’t have.., yet😂) So without further ado, (see YouTube language) I should really put up my channel, or not. 😂

Anyways, Welcome back to my blog. If you haven’t followed me yet, do so. And give my posts a like. I’ll appreciate it very much!

Enjoy! 🤗💕

The Journey

The year 2014 was the one that I made my first exposure as a writer. It was not that of a massive exposure but to me and my few close friends it was a big one. That year I wrote and sent my very first article to the newspaper at the youth corner section. If you read the Namibian newspaper then you probably know about it. If you haven’t: the youth corner is a section that appears in the Namibian Newspaper every Tuesday and it includes articles about literally anything written by the Namibians younger than 21 years. What anybody who wanted to have their article published had to do was email their article to the press and if the article is good enough, it gets to be published. That’s about that.

After my first article, I wrote the second, and the third until about the seventh. Of course it was not by default that if you send your article it will get a publication. Some of my articles never appeared and I should honestly say it was a bit of a disappointment when I used to read Tuesday’s Newspaper and I didn’t find my picture in that section with my article below it.

That rejection helped push me to do better, to write better, be more expressive and improve my writing. My last article was published in the year 2017.

Why did I stop writing to the newspaper?

I found a better way to express my writing skills. Writing to the newspaper were my baby steps and I have broken new ground. Let me say I was a baby then who only knew how to crawl but I don’t crawl anymore I walk.

Somewhere middle of the year, 2017, I have decided to have one of my scripts turned into a whole book.

FlashBack: in my 12th grade break, I had a writing a challenge proposal with Wattpad in which I had to write a story of +-10k words over a month. I took it up and completed it.

That script was what I turned into a book. Converting it wasn’t much of a challenge and I should say I really loved working on it.

And that was how the novel ‘Not All Secrets Keep People Together’ came to life. If you haven’t read it follow the link in my bio to buy it from Amazon.

I am grateful to everyone who has ever bought the book. You all gave me reason to keep going as I did not even know it was going to be such a success which I will forever be celebrating no matter how little it may seem.

This year, 2018, I have been shown flames by almost everything. (Give me some time to shed a tear and contain myself before I continue, please. 😢😭)

My writing has been on the edge, my academics were going south when I wanted them to go the other direction, my love life and other friendships were saying to me “No, not this year Wilhelmina”. It was a whole mess, this wasn’t even a glorious one.

I have been writing but I wasn’t feeling it. Somehow I was just writing for the sake but my heart wasn’t in it.

So I had decided I needed to do better, save myself from the pit of my miseries at least. I had to make some decisions and I made a promise to myself that I won’t let anyone talk me out of doing something which my heart desired.

So of all things, I saved my writing life. Because my whole heart is in it. I let my academics take whatever direction they wanted to, I let my relationship slip and I should say I don’t regret either of my decisions because if it was meant for me it wouldn’t have acted up on me. So I let it go. All of it except, writing, of course 😍.

Mid year 2018 I was almost done with the book sample i wanted to publish. I couldn’t go forward because there was something holding me back. Money 💔. So I sat at home with my samples in my PC while I waited for my sources.

I should say this book has put me through a lot of ups and downs. It was like being pregnant for more than 9 months. So many complications.

Finally, I got my funds and I started doing the very last touches before handing it in for publication. I expected these very last touches to be as easy as cutting through butter with a hot blade but nooo. Yet again I was told, “Relax Wilhelmina. I won’t go easy on you”. Of course I have cried, real tears, I have been on the edge of just throwing the whole sample away and sleeping it off. 😩😢😭

That was the painful birth of my second book ‘Poetry From Within’. The link to buy it on Amazon is in my bio. Most of the pieces I have included in this book are mostly based on the moments I have had and the flames I’ve been through this year. So when you read through it, You are going through my messy 2018 life.

Just a month later I got my third book published ‘The Desire’. Let me tell you one thing, as writer you should never stop writing. You never know when the next opportunity will present itself. I have had this book sample in my PC just waiting for an opportunity to present itself and it did right after my second book. I never knew I could have two books in such a limited time and I look at myself now and say, “You did it Wilhelmina and you can even do greater than that.”

To think of it, having published my first book at just 19 and having three complete books as a 20 year old is platinum. Like I said, I’ll forever be grateful and will never cease to celebrate my achievements. 💯💃🏽

Honestly, I am also grateful for everyone I have met in 2018 alone, everything that has failed, everyone that has left me, everyone I have left, it was all worth it. Because obviously I wouldn’t have realized I could do things without depending so much on other people.

This Is Just The Beginning Of A Never Ending Journey.

The Life Of A Black Namibian Author.

The “Churches”

I bet you have an idea of the kind of “churches” I’m gonna talk about. If you don’t well, let me spoon feed you. I’m talking about these new Revival Churches that have taken up almost every Namibian corner. First the China Shops have been the ones found in every corner but now these churches are multiplying and tripling and quadrupling and and and… as each day passes.

Is it a good thing or bad thing? I won’t judge so I’ll leave that to you to conclude.

I attended my primary school at some private school where almost, if not every teacher was a member of such churches. Let me be clear, church service was held at the school. So you can paint a clear picture for yourself of how they acted and how we learners were expected to behave.

We had a certain day of the week were we would attend bible study instead of normal “academic” study. It was a good thing cause, you know we all need Jesus and know His teachings and everything about Him.

But the way it was presented was in such a way that every learner should be present for the bible studies. I can’t be sure about my fellow learners but I know that not everyone believes I the existence of God. So I can only imagine how things might have turned out if one of us were Atheist or some other religion that isn’t Christian or anything. Who knows? Maybe some were but they didn’t bother say anything about it because “our teachers were strict people” and they didn’t meetings called upon them.

Lol, it happened to one male teacher who refused to join those churches. 😂 Okay, no kidding. It was a serious matter. 😑

We did all those things, deliverance. I don’t even know if some teachers knew what they were doing nenge they were just practising on us like how some newly stylist practise on doing hair by playing with dolls.

What I don’t get about all the people that attend those churches is how they suddenly switch up their praying manner and routine. I get that they are talking to God like every other normal person does. But what I don’t get is why they have to go on like crazy people. Is the clapping, thumping of feet, yelling, shouting, you name it and the exxagerated crying so necessary!? Like!? I don’t get it!

Do they really have to go on about trying to make everyone around them join their church? And if they get rejected, all hail will break loose and the “you have demons” chorus will be sung. First of all, what’s even wrong with the church they used to attend? The church where they were born and baptised. Isn’t God there?

Am I judging? You’d say that because it’s how you’d probably want to see it. But I’m just asking the obvious questions that any curious person would want to have answers to.

High School.

Hehee, I went to High School too.😂😂

Anyway, back to churches.

There I’ve met the CRAZIEST of people. Notice the bold and upper case. That’s how crazy they were.

These fellow learners were apparently the “Revived Kids”. Truest followers of Christ as they would call themselves. But their behaviour, solly water. 😷

These were the kids we would go out with on Fridays and Saturdays for movies and discos and we would do all the crazy deeds that even if Jesus had come then, neither of us would have been saved by our actions not even cause we were hanging out with the Revived Kids. They lose their morals and it’s like they forget that they are supposed to act decent all the time. But come Sunday, they are all Holy and looking down on us who didn’t attend church service.

But that’s about that. One word for these Kids, lost souls. I don’t think they even knew what they were doing. Them and my primary teachers, same WhatsApp group.

My family.

Yep, there’s quite a number of them.

Before I go in detail about my beloved family members, I’d state it here that, these churches are breaking families. And I’m sure it’s not written anywhere that being a follower of Jesus breaks families. It can only mean that these people are following him wrongly, or they are following the wrong saviour. The Fallen Angel also has followers. So maybe, I’m just saying maybe. I can’t be sure.

Up to here I haven’t found the right words to address the issue about my family members and their churches they attend.

Let me also just clearly state it that I’m even afraid of calling these people or joking around these people shaashi some of us have jokes inaa wii kosha nawa ndishi. You’d think people didn’t get the joke nani deep down they are thinking you are possessed by demons and are secretly planning on holding a sermon for your deliverance. Sorry.

Don’t kill me me just yet, peace out.✌🏾

Love {By Guest Writer, Baby Sister, Halolye}

Love is covered with thorns

If you don’t handle it with care

It will fall on you

Then it will stick you.

Love can make you crazy

Love can make you happy

Love can make you anything

That is more than everything.

Love does not cheat

Love has no heat

Unless you make it warm

Then it will turn you into a worm.

Love has no brain

Love does not stress

But if you make it stress

Then it will put you in chess.

❤❤❤❤❤

Past

If you don’t like him/her then why still be glued on the things s/he has done to you?

Simply because the things that we’ve been put through by this one individual being are so deep and cannot easily be erased.

We don’t talk or think about them because we miss them. We think of how someone could have done something that hurt us so bad and they get away with it like nothing has happened. And above all pains, that tops the list.

And we are left to regret. And someone said that regret is a useless feeling to feel. So in simple terms they leave us with the most useless feeling ever.

Why am I so bitter if they meant something to me?

Key word: meant. They don’t anymore, so I’ll drink up and keep it moving.

Questioning!

As much as I didn’t want to talk about this, I’ve been triggered to say a thing or two about this.

It’s This Love Thing, Man. 😉

Some while back I was deep in love. Or at least that’s what I thought about it. Everything that’s been happening around me has been going smooth. Or it’s what I thought. Everything was just so perfect, he was perfect for me, I was perfect for him and we were perfect for each other. Or maybe not. But that’s what I saw.

I’m questioning Everything, because that love I thought existed didn’t even exist at all. If it did, where is it now? Things changed and Shakespeare said that “love is not love that alters when it alteration finds…it is an ever fixed mark” so I bet you understand where I’m coming from when I say that what I felt as love wasn’t even love.

What was it then??

I don’t know. But I know what it wasn’t. It wasn’t love.

What triggered me is how I’ve been looking at things lately. The things I thought were the “it” things aren’t even it. How I use to see the world has completely changed. I admit I was blind in whatever it was that we had.

I was on the phone with my friend who wants to achieve her crush so bad because in her world “he is perfect”. I’m happy for her because I know the feeling. I’ve been there.

But I can’t tell her that because deep down I know niqqa ain’t shxt. He ain’t perfect. Before you label me as the “what what bitter fake” friend, let me tell you that I don’t even know her crush niqqa. I just know that nobody is perfect she knows that too but you know what crushes do upon us. And for her to think that he is, it could only be because she’s mad over him.

So, that’s about that. ❤

Just Write It

Is this too much detail? Did I go over board? Am I sharing too much? Often times I ask myself these questions.

Sometimes I want to express myself in a certain way but I feel like I might have expressed myself too much than necessary. Most times I write about my emotions which may be too personal and I then wonder if what I’m writing about is even worth writing about.

But even though I may have such questions, I still write them down anyway because I don’t like confining in other people because to me that’s just so draining. 😭 (A person listening to me whine about what I’m going through just seem to be too much work 💔) So I write and cry on my own.

And hey, that’s what it is.

Sharing too much on here or not, I still do it. Because I also don’t like keeping stuff inside. 😣 I’ll Just Write It.